Using questions to build positive relationships
Author: Lorretta Barbours, Associate at Resonance Consulting Services
The rules for engagement are changing. The increased social awareness means that we are learning to be present, to give each person an opportunity to be as they are. We are moving towards a more collaborative workspace in which diversity is truly accepted and valued, but what does that mean for our professional interactions and our corporate culture? How do we build positive work relationships?
Why ASK FIRST?
If your day is anything like mine, it routinely turns into navigating a maelstrom of demands. Somewhere between my first cup of coffee the mountain of things to do multiplies and maintaining my focus on the most important tasks becomes ever trickier. On top of this we are asked to build relationships with colleagues, clients and partners. Relationships in which they feel valued, heard and respected but in South Africa’s multilingual, multicultural society that, more often than not, means gauging intent rather than simply responding.
The simple solution it turns out is to ASK FIRST. Asking prevents us from making assumptions, rushing to conclusions and brushing someone aside. All those things we are trying to change to make the workplace a more empowering space.
How to ASK FIRST
The advantages questions offer are that they help us:
- Demonstrate sincere interest in the other person,
- Cut short our instinct to tell, by allowing the other person to share, without bias,
- Build better conversations which lead to better relationships.
However, not all questions are created equal. Questions should concentrate on:
- What we don’t know,
- Uncovering new possibilities, and
- Creating a shared vision.
WHAT and HOW questions are more effective than WHY or WHO questions because the latter tend to collapse our options.
Know – Grow – Flow
Using questions to guide and explore different perspectives, while suspending judgement until we understand what is unique in the other persons message allows us to demonstrate to them that:
- They are INTERESTING,
- They have VALUE, and
- They are worth taking a risk on – that they are TRUSTWORTHY.
This changes the dynamic of our relationships immediately.
Changes in Ourselves
Asking questions changes us. In that questions prime our brains to pay attention because questions themselves suggest opportunity for learning and future prosperity. Thus questions become a trigger for us to pay attention.
Allowing ourselves to step back further opens us up to long-term value, motivating and challenging us to look for new possibilities and new connections. Developing the insights necessary for our own personal growth.
As we explore and build a common vision, understanding and language we naturally gravitate to a more collaborative approach. Which if we focus on what can be done – taking action to build the opportunities lead to establishing trust and delivering mutual benefit.
Questions are the Key
The real trick in life is to turn hindsight into foresight that reveals insight.
Robin Sharma
Thus questions become the way in which we can connect our past to our future – giving us new avenues to explore, helping us see others as partners. Helping us create a future in which there is more room at the table.
They help us:
- STOP – to focus on someone else,
- SHIFT – our perspective to make new connections,
- ENGAGE – with others to get more done, and
- CREATE – mutual value and benefit.
For more about questions be sure to check our blog next week.